


A Reminder of Him

by CaelumPhyriina



Series: Little Gifts - ADC 'verse [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A sprinkle of fluff, Character Death, F/M, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and a ton of angst to accompany the little sweet moment, basically this is me being bitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:33:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27095095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaelumPhyriina/pseuds/CaelumPhyriina
Summary: If you could just tell it easily: He was the embodiment of light.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader
Series: Little Gifts - ADC 'verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977667
Kudos: 5





	A Reminder of Him

Few days passed after the destruction of Starkiller Base, you were still shaken to core.

For the longest time, you had the urge to remember what happend years before. You remembered that tall, dark-haired man that you used to train with. The one you used to have fun. The one who got away. The one whom you used to love, even if attachments are not allowed. 

It was dream-like, that moment when he came to you. Jedi robes flapping with the cool air. His black hair reaching to his neck, highlights from the light. He has a soulful, hazel eyes, that you swear it looks like forest green upon the day. You remembered youself being afraid to stare at his eyes long - afraid that you might get lost inside that orbs. He had full, pink pouty lips, aquiline nose that compliments his adorable ears - that was sticking out from his lush hair. Freckles and blemishes creating a constellation in his face, like the stars on the galaxy. 

And most importantly, he was tall. 

Obviously taller - much taller than you are. He have this - cocky, sassy, calm aura around him. The shyness and the insecurities covered on the inside. Heck, he even smirked that time - with a hint of bewilderment in his face, as if he haven't seen you here before - which was true, by the way. 

If you could just tell it easily: He was the embodiment of light. 

He was the first one you ran onto, while you stared at the clear sky if the Temple. Pastel colors exploding, bending, blurring together. It creates a wonderful scenery you haven't seen in any planets you've seen. You remembered Luke telling you to stay right there, wait for instructions. You did. You really did, but not without meeting thag infuriating, sassy man named Ben Solo.

You remembered how you felt that time, chest tugging, pulsing, like it was aching. 

You smiled tightly at the memory, tears starting to well up to your eyes. _Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't you dare to cry._

For few days you've been there on the Temple with him, you felt like yiu're known him already for eternity. Of course his parents were sensitive topics, especially the nightmares he had when he sleeps. You could always feel his conflict. The terror he had while he had them - or simply by remembering them. 

Alas, he did opened up to you, after you gave him alot of space for that. He told you that his terrors, the reason why he screams; whimpers and whines while he was asleep. 

You know that was not the whole truth. 

You failed to sense the darkness within him.

You failed to know that small voice on his head-

"I failed _him_." You remembered Luke confessing to you. "It's too late. He was-" He shooked his head. He couldn't even finish his sentence. You remembered yourself asking - bugging - _begging_ for him to tell you what, who he was referring to, and how can you help him. 

Your hand creeps up, going to your collarbone, touching that small thing right there. 

One day, you two met on the hill, _ironically_ , where you two first met. You remembered your heart skipping a beat, starting to pound insistently on your chest. 

"I bought something for you." He suddenly spoke up. You chewed your inner cheeks. "Oh yeah? What did you bought for lil' 'ol me?" You joked, while you're trying to will yourself not to burst here and there. That would be very embarrassing. 

Ben instructed you to turn around, back facing to him, and ordering you to close your eyes. You did dutifully. You heard his fidget from his pockets, detangling something, before you felt a cold stone on your chest, cord stretching, snapping shut on your neck. When you finally opened your eyes-

It was a necklace. 

You turned to him, eyebrow raised. Hr eas rubbing his nape, blush forming on this pale skin, voice timid as he spoke. "I... That was a part of my crystal that.. um, cracked while I was building my lightsaber. I thought that I should give it to yo-" - "Thank you." You whispered, touching the crystal. "Thank you." You said a little louder, giving him a big smile. On that time, you promised yourself not to lose it. Your reminder. 

The reminder before the catastrophe happend. 

It was exactly a day before Ben - _Kylo_ destroyed the Temple. Luke managed to send you away with a final lesson to learn: cutting yourself from the force. He told you that he feared something. He had to get you away from all of this, and sent you to his twin; Leia. You felt like you did something wrong, disappointing Luke in the process. Or maybe he found out about you and Ben. Maybe - but it doesn't make sense. Why would he teach you something like that? Especially that you just started your training?

You just found out through Leia about the Jedi Temple. 

She said that a man named Kylo destroyed it. That he killed everyone. Luke, luckily and thanks the Force, survived, but he went exile after telling Leia. You began to fear the worst. _Is he dead_? Did he manage to escape from that man? Is he even alive? 

Leia just told you that to keep a low profile. No tapping of Force. She said that it would be safe. That it would remove you from great danger. 

Everyday, for years, you still kept the crystal unconsciously. An insisting object thay kept comforting you from your nightmares. Your fear. Your anxiety. A constant reminder of what he was, what he means to you. One day, you just started denying yourself to reminisce everything there. Just to quell that pain in your chest. 

_Is he really dead?_

You still haven't know what truely happend after that. You even asked everyone around, including Leia, but she won't answer you. She just shooked her head, bowing it, before turning away. Preferring to keep her mouth shut. 

Until that day. 

You were part of the Starkiller Base operation. You, Chewie, Han, Finn and Rey managed to plant bombs. It was all in stealth, which you excel the most. Your thoughts quickly drifted to Ben - for the first time, remembering the spars you two had. 

By the time you two regrouped, you locked your eyes to Han. 

It holds sadness, like it was ever-present there for years. Like it was itched there, after the years have come and go. You considered asking him about Ben. _Where is he? Is he alive? When would I meet him?_

_Does he love me like I do?_

_Will I see him once more?_

_Will I have the chance to see what he looks like now, after all of the years?_

_Did he forget about me?_

_Will he, at least, recognize me?_

_Remember me?_

And then you noticed that presence. It was ominous, dark. Menacing even. It was tall, dressed in black. 

And the mask. 

You heard stories about that mask. That person who was known as Jedi Killer. The man who hurted your friends, especially Finn, Poe and Rey. The infamous cold-blooded killer who massacred people with that unsteady, red cross-guard saber. The crackling sound that almost had - in fact, most of the galaxy, trembles in fear when they heard it. 

The man who goes by the name of Kylo Ren.

One second Han was beside you, the next thing you knew, Chewie hauled you, going to the upper ramp. You can see Han approaching him. They were talking and talking, and talking. 

"The face of _my son._ "

That one statement froze you. Rooted you in place, gripping on Chewie's hair gently - but tight. His _son_? Ben had a _brother_? No it doesn't make sense. He was the only child-

A sudden click, a hiss, and sound of metal clanging against each other bought your attention to him. Your breath hitched, heart now beating fast, faster than it actually does. 

There, stood Ben - or at least you knew him by that name. The same man who comforted you when you're scared. Accompanying you when you need someone. 

The man who gave you that crystal.

_**A reminder of him.** _

Probably who he was before. He was still... him. Now he was more built, hair longer, more mature. His once soulful eyes, now replaced with a cold, distant brown hue. You swallowed the lump from your throat, instinctly fisting the crystal on your chest, praying to anyone, to the force, to the maker, thag it was just an illusion. That Snoke was just behind all of this. 

But no. It isn't. 

Everything blended so fast, like the soft glow of light, hitting the ground you heard the hum - crackle of the lightsaber. You opened your eyes to see - only to know that he...

Killed his own father. Without hesitation. 

Han fell from the bridge after he pulled out the saber. You can't hear yourself scream, or wasn't aware that Ben - _Kylo's_ eyes gazed to yours. You may, or may not, saw the emotion there. He was surprised, maybe he was surprised that he killed his own father, and the saw you after that. Chewie lets out a pained roar, before he lifted the bowcaster, shooting a distracted Kylo square in the gut. You watched him slump from a moment, beore his expression changed, meeting your eyes once more. 

But now his eyes tells you that he felt betrayed.

Now everytime you closed your eyes, you would still see that brown orbs. You know it would absolutely haunt you. Everytime. You fisted the crystal tighter, chewing - gnawing your lip, as you willed yourself not to shed any tear. Not to shed a single vulnerability to that person. 

But you still did. 

Letting out a scream, you collapsed at the dirt, the trees surrounding you. Now was the only reminder of your pain. So was the blood on your fingers, after grippimg the crystal too tight. Blood starting to smear on the clear crsytal.

And your heart, it felt like it died. Broken into pieces, scattered into oblivion - to the abyss of pain.

You know that he might not return back, back to who he used to be. Back to his mother.

Back to you.

Now the only thing that only helped you through this pain was the sizable cystal.

A painful reminder that everything in the past.

Won't return to you once more. Now there was only a single string of hope that held you together. That he might come back.

To what he was. To who he was. Who he used to be. 

_Ben._

**Author's Note:**

> Blame my August self for writing this. 
> 
> And I am not sorry about this. 
> 
> Scold me in tumblr: @caelum-phyriina-vermillon
> 
> ~Krizzia


End file.
